My Mind and Me

So I decided not to think about it. I decided to pretend it doesn’t exist.

I close my eyes to what is in front of me while chasing shadows behind. My mind is like a maze, twisted, interconnected, complicated and yet rewarding. Emotion is like a million puzzle pieces that are hard to complete alone. Sometimes the game called life is exciting and fun.

Whereas sometimes I think is rigged. That the happy ending is only for the ruthless and most cunning. I love the game of life but those cheaters who have acquired legend weapons and reach higher levels keep try to rip others off and knock them down. Then it got me think this game life must be crazy. Apart from the golden rule that all players most die at one point in the game. It has no rules. We make the rules as we play while trying to follow the rules of the society we belong to.

I walked past my self and now am trying to find me. Looking for something deeper in a shallow word. Spirituality became my only comfort. Yet my heart yearns for connection. I envy those who find it easy but yet I don’t wanna be then. I like me but the me I know is curious and always ready to learn. It scares me sometimes that I know too much but is also terrified that I know so little, that my knowledge is not enough and I have not even begun to learn things I suppose to know.

Advertisements

I Apologize !!!

It wasn’t meant to be so, not like this. The weight is too heavy, but the call was yours to make. I see myself drowning in the pool of my own doing. I tried to point fingers but am tired. am running out of breath and my consciousness is declining.

Am not dead nor am I dying, no! no! no! my dear this is worst.

This is despair, this is fear and this is guilt.

Despair for being stupid and failing to understand.

Fear of consequences of actions I took both intentional and unintentional.

Guilt for building a wall that pushes people away and being egotistical.

But is it my fault? Should I take sole responsibility or blame for this situation? Or should I just accuse the society? Wait, will that be making excuses?

I guess the only way is to own up to my mistakes. Then apologize for my shortcomings, to amend the wrongs I did and to keep on working hard for a better me and a better future.

Is there even enough Time?

Time, Time, Time. I wish I have more cries, everyone. Yet we mismanage the ones we have.We lament, I need more time but won’t think twice about westing the little given to us.

No matter how much time we have is never enough because Time itself is like an addictive drug, the more you consume the less you have and the more your body craves for more.

Time is the perfect politician, it can’t be bought or bribed. It believes in equality and doesn’t discriminate. As we fight for more time, Time just sits watching and observing as we waste our time while seeking for more. Then I ask myself is there even enough time?

Is humanity a crime?

We live in a world where being human is a crime.

People rather be alone than associate.

Technology has stolen our mind, made us blind to what is right in front of us.

In the buses, we avoid each other like a disease.

Everybody is looking for an empty row instead of next available seat.

Instead of engaging, we sit alone in away from interaction.

“Hello, how are you” is now an offense, a word we dare not say to strangers except online.

We can chat online with strangers for hours but become mute when we meet face to face. Where have we gone wrong

Is begin human that bad, that we have to treat each other with such curtly. That our love for things is more than our love for our kind or the value for life.

Have we lost faith and trust so much that pets can now replace human companionship?

Have we falling so low that we are now the slave to our own invention.

Are we so far gone that checking on neighbors is a crime known as trespassing?

That being nice to one another is considered stupid. That caring for others is seen as disturbances. Where has humanity gone wrong?

How long will I feel like this?

My heart is guarded. A wall has been built.

The bridge has broken. The doors are short tight.

I have an army ready to attack.

Yeah, I want something meaningful, but my defense pushes people away.

I scared to let love in because am terrified that it will leave me again, and left me hurting.

I want to tear down my defenses but my mind kept reminding me the reason it was set up in the first place.

I want something beyond explanation, but sometimes when I find it, it rejects me. Whereas, making the wall thicker. The more the pain the thicker the wall, that is how the game works

I hope to find someone to take away the pain. I hope meeting them will smooth my soul. But for now all I have is me, the willingness for change and the ability to make a change and that is okay.

Just another cold night

Looking out the window, the snow falls gently.

The wind singing its song. Whispering in my ears is the cold winter breeze.

Yet I sit there not listening but just wondering and imagining how great it will be to feel the warmth again.

Thinking how great it will be if you are mine. Like how long should I have to compete

The coldness is getting stronger, tho my room is like an oven set to max.

Yet my heart is frozen.

Each day I yarn for you and each night I wish you were with me.

Your voice melts my frozen heart and your smile brings warmth to my soul

As I said I wish you are mine. But I guess is just another cold night

Is it love at first sight?

It was like a dream, a reality that doesn’t exist. I was dumbfounded

from the first day I saw her. she was attractive, gorgeous and fabulous but my mind yearns for something more. Something beyond her beauty.

I was captivated, lost in the wonders that is her. Trying not to lose

My self I tried to make sense of it but to no avail. it has been long since I’ve felt this way. It has been long since my heart and mind have been aligned.

Both Wanting and seeking the same thing. l can’t remember the last time I’ve felt this way. She is a star, shining so bright that it warms my heart. She is like the sun because she makes the darkness go away.

It was disappointing. I was furious but my gentle nature got the best of me.

My heart still yearns for her but my mind is slightly giving up. Now I’m confused, am I losing interest? Should I push harder or leave it to fate? I am scared, terrified that being me won’t work. But being me is the only thing I know.

Is a lie worth it? Is deception the way to go? Is working for them, it might work for me. Then the voice in my head said snap out of it. They are not you and you are not wired that way.

Will you sell your soul to impress? Or be yourself and experience pure acceptance, pure love that is not shrouded in lies.

Then I ask myself is this Love at first sight or am I losing my mind?